Not only was it a bad message, it was a contradictory and impossible one, since Wonder Woman also found herself on Dr. Pepper cans. Go guzzle down a delicious can of sugar to celebrate womanhood, ladies! Just remember to buy branded diet bars to help you shed that soda weight immediately afterwards, because society doesn’t want strong, independent women who are also a little chubby!

So this cologne is “your attack plan” for a date. You know, because dates are battles in which you must triumph. And if you don’t, well … you could always get angry.

“Making an imaginary coffee into something real seemed like a fitting and fun way to honor the multilayered world of Watchmen,” said someone involved in the product, before shedding their human skin and revealing themselves to be an alien that feeds on awkward marketing copy. Because if there’s one word that’s commonly used to describe Zack Snyder’s Gloomy Slo-Mo Violence Glorification And Remedial Philosophy 101 Rain-a-Thon it’s “fun.” Get in on the supposed fun by dropping 20 bucks on a ten-ounce can of coffee that’s probably nothing but Nabob with the price jacked up! Hey, real quick, remind us which Watchmen character profited the most from unchecked capitalism? It was the villain, right?

Solving America’s complicated relationship with the military-industrial complex is beyond the scope of this article, but Northrop Grumman’s products are used on very real human beings in very adult conflicts, while Marvel heroes fight goofy made-up monsters to entertain children. There’s also the fact that, as angry fans were quick to point out, Iron Man sees Tony Stark become horrified by the weapons Stark Industries sells and then pivot the company to make … shit, what does Stark sell now? Smartphones? Whatever, the point is that the very first movie in the Marvel Universe is about Stark making a conscious decision to stop running a company that was exactly like Northrop Grumman.

The details of the proposed marketing campaign were mostly lost when Marvel dropped the deal like a hot potato that could murder kids if employed based on the faulty intelligence of another hot potato, but we do know that there was going to be a comic wherein the Avengers would team up with the “Northrop Grumman Elite Nexus.” Get it? The tagline was “Start Your N.G.E.N.s,” and that alone should constitute a war crime. There also would’ve been recruitment ads.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics“If anyone knows about ‘Infinity War,’ it’s us.”

So what would the Avengers do? Well, we’re told that Captain America would pursue justice no matter where it leads, as the camera pans around to reveal that our hero is soliloquizing it up in the middle of a pocket dimension made mostly of posters.

ABCFor the theater lobby set, Im thinking Barely lit storage room haphazardly littered with ads.

Then a Hot Doctor shows up with a kid, because they’re there for a super special advanced screening! “The Avengers rock!” declares the child, who’s far too young to understand that he’s sold his soul. Then the trio talk about the Avengers for a bit. Which one is the coolest? They debate, and arrive at a twist conclusion: They all are. Did you know that “Iron Man is the genius billionaire playboy, he gets to wear that really cool high-tech suit, fly around, save the world, and when he’s not doing that he’s going to the coolest parties and exotic locales”? General Hospital was one cut line of dialogue away from telling everyone Tony Stark’s blood type.